seriously seriously. this used to be my body and I hated it.
I just find it so fascinating // can I be this fit again plz
Okay so this is the last post I make about my ‘starting point’.
The scale reads 181.3
I am bloated from my period, there is a giant amount of food in me, and I just drank four glasses of water, and it’s the end of the day. 20 pounds from being in my healthy-ish range, 30-35 away from looking how I wanna look.
That’s not so bad. I hope to be around 165 by the end of june. I have to go, go, go. I have 2 months.
I hope to be within my healthy-range before Bluesfest. Bluesfest is in 3 months. Yeah, I can dig that.
This is me, serious about committing to my health for the first time in almost 2 years and hoping my body reflects that.
Fat positivity is amazing. And tons of fat people are active and eat well.
I don’t. My body doesnt like this weight. I don’t like this weight. I don’t like missing my own clothes. I don’t like being worried I can’t have short hair because of the roundness in my face. I don’t like my new-found lack of confidence to wear shorts. I don’t like being uncomfortable wearing pants because of the way they sit on my belly (although for this maybe I just need better pants…)
Well here I am now. Twenty one and fatcalled. I think I’m pretty hot, but I still wanna see this body change. I miss my wardrobe terribly!! This is just too much tit
(bohemea) Madonna - Papa Don’t Preach promoshoot, 1986
BADASS
okay so derek I know I don’t rlly look like madonna in any way but r u sure I can’t have short hair :( ?
Fat
And what it means. Still fascinates and terrifies me.
I can remember feeling so fat that nobody could love me at a BMI that was so close to ‘underweight’. I can remember when I couldn’t even except validation from perfect strangers, nevermind friends.
I can feel like an alien inside of my body or a ‘thin girl trapped inside of my body’ if I felt like that but I don’t and I never have. My body always belonged to me even when I hated it.
And it’s weird to stand in a mirror and look at my stomach, or shape, and try to love myself but I do. Which is more, sadly to say, than you. And I still hate that I think about your unneeded commentary every time I think about my body, especially when I always do it in a constructive way. I hate that you have to be there. These moments of self love and understanding are mine and I deserve them. I wish you could disappear from them.
I am happy with myself at a size 12 even though most people cannot be. I am lucky. But even so, nobody has the change to take that away from me.
Goodnight, everything
I feel like maturity is not-making-out-with-a-former-crush-despite-wanting-to-because-you-have-a-partner-that-doesnt-deserve-that.
Nevermind that my worries about no-more-random-hooking-up worries me deeply about whether I am ready for a relationship of any caliber. I can worry about that when I am sober, and when we have talked.
And I miss her, terribly.
And all-systems-are-a-go for working on my essay and my health start SIGNIFICANTLY tomorrow.
It’s time, kaylee, get over your shit.
Go.
I will write my progress in all of these regards tomorrow, realistically probably in class.
Whoops
It’s true
Of course people are magnetized by you.
It cannot just be myself.
You treat people with respect and an oh-so-genuine, sympathetic interest.
That’s interesting.
When you look at me, anyway, I can see that beyond your eyes there’s some kind of kindness. But not the kind of sugary-sweet mess, meek, mild. The kind with 1000 things on their mind and YOU don’t mind because you’re one of them,
Like you know just what to do and how to do it.
I’m not gonna throw expectations for all-encompassing, never-faltering, never quivering greatness at you. Like you’re not real.
You seem so real. And open and honest and confident? Yeah? That’s fine.
It’s fucken hot.
Does that answer your question?
I am trying to decide if its enough that you said yes, yeah, sure. Cause I still dont know if someone (you) took the time to try to write me anonymously, or if you are just going with it because me, I am just me, and I just had to ask (it is a thing I do- I guess youll see)
I am not gonna feel bad about procrastinating right now
